Boredom has its own reward, one of which has been my uncovering a host of online radio stations with Ghanaian coloration that I can always listen to at the click of a button. My appreciation for new technologies such as internet radio has even been heightened by my ability to have three or four radio stations playing at the same time. It’s just my own way of making a decision as to which one should be my companion for any given period.
It was during one of such ‘accompaniments’ that I heard a young lady asking for prayers for her husband who had traveled abroad, but was no longer picking her calls. She noted that even when her husband picked her calls, he sometimes did so with questionable speed and not-too-romantic whispers.
“Pastor, I suspect that he is married to someone. He is cheating on me, I can’t believe it”, she cried ‘spiritually’. As I lay in bed sympathizing with her, I wished I could just tell her, “Yes, he is married so better believe it”.
While I appreciate the concerns of the woman I am not sure I can blame the man either. When our men leave our shores for greener pastures, we are excited and are quick to broadcast to the whole world how our husbands or partners have traveled overseas and how we expect to reap the benefits of a good life soon.
I believe that these men have good intentions when they leave home. I know there are some crooked ones who will put up a lot of pretence only to get away from any responsibilities at home. In general though I believe that our men have good plans and take genuine decisions to come and seek better lives only to be faced with the reality of the situation which drives them to adopt lifestyles they never intended.
For instance, if a man comes to the United States and soon realizes that he cannot work unless he has some form of valid documentation, he has to take some hard but smart decisions as to whether to use fake documentation or marry a citizen and then take advantage of the marital benefits to become a citizen. That way, he can at least legally stay and work here. Normally, such marriages last only for as long as documents remain with immigration officials. Once they are approved and they go through the final step of getting the green card, the divorce proceedings begin.
Described as “sham marriages” in America, participants do not pretend that this is an easy task. Believe it or not it takes a lot of emotional strength for one to go through such processes knowing how risky it is and the implications thereof, if the underlying intentions are uncovered. Since this is a common practice among African immigrants, officials are always wide-eyed in dealing with marriage cases involving Africans.
In a typical green-card marriage, the couple will have to live together for a number of years and then attend an interview to answer questions from immigration officials based on which a decision is taken. If you choose to live apart you must still work out the arrangement in a way that will enable you learn enough about each other for the interview. This is because the interviews could be conducted separately and both of you would be required to provide the same answers to questions such as where your toothbrushes, towels or underwears are kept, the size of your bed, the last date of your wife’s menstrual period, the kind of birth control and brands you both use, favorite sex positions and other very private questions that are extremely challenging to answer, if you’ve simply read some notes from a book.
Before coming to this point, one has to decide whether to pay for such services or pretend to have fallen in love and marry for such services. The marriage appears to be the cheaper option for most men. If you decide to go with the ‘pay-for-nkrataa’ option then be prepared to cough anything between 3,000 and 6,000 dollars in most cases plus or minus other ancillary services. These services could range from agreeing to spend nights (and all that comes with it) with your benefactor, spend money to satisfy their shopping appetite, and other services that are strictly determined by the citizen.
When a man has packed bag and baggage to come and sweat it out to make life better for himself and his family back home and is faced with such a dilemma, the last thing they can take is when they call home and are met with a barrage of questions and a litany of accusations from a wife.
These are legitimate concerns and I would probably do the same but it takes an opportunity to travel to appreciate some of these situations. While I do not pretend that it is going to be easy on any woman to know that her husband or fiancé is warming the bed of another woman in this land, you would have to appreciate that they are going through some emotional torture themselves and for them it is even worse because guilt is rebuking them from all sides. No matter all the things that we are wont to say about men, I believe in my rather young life that men have consciences and sometimes very strong ones.
Unfortunately, experiences will in no time drum home the fact that in ‘abrokyire’ the commandments handed down to Moses are not ten but nine, it is for readers to figure out which one is left out.
Some of life’s experiences are too complicated to comprehend and that is why it will always be difficult to understand how an African friend who rose to head a theological seminary came to this country, ‘forgot’ about his marriage of silver, and gold anniversaries and settled down with an all-too-willing dame for green card purposes. Unfortunately in the process another family was started.
Although I will not, in any way, attempt to sanction any adulterous engagements by married men, it is important that our women particularly appreciate that these are the circumstances that our men face when they travel abroad. Note that when you sanction any such moves and feel too glad to let the whole village know that very soon you will be receiving some Uncle Sam bucks, you should know what your husband is likely to face.
I know it may be the same for men whose wives or fiancées also make such moves, but I am harping on the case of women because, as a woman, I know how easy it is for us to suddenly ascend the judgment throne and start pronouncing judgment on a man who has nothing but good intentions which unfortunately go wrong because of unanticipated developments.
To the lady who called that radio station asking for prayers, my advice is: that talk will serve no purpose; if you have any energy pray to God that your partner will sail through what could be a rather sticky situation and return to you unscathed.
To those men who decide that for some reasons they will play the home-and-abroad game, they are not the target of this piece. It is for those who put up with the moral guilt and emotional pain, defying all odds and nightmares of immigration officials closing in on them while going through green-card marriages for the ultimate purpose of getting to stay and work legally abroad to make life better for their families. I truly sympathize with you.
Imported Dollar funerals
The debate about funerals and the general cost involved in burying the dead has raged for a long time and even now with calls for a national funeral conference to discuss the high costs of funerals. I remember a recent news item that suggested that we must consider adopting the Islamic funeral style. Personally I do not see any sense in spending so much money to bury the dead when there are people who could be assisted to honour the memory of the dead, but thankfully that is just my opinion.
I remember attending a funeral some years ago. Then, and I suppose is still the practice, everything was custom-made; from cloth, bottled water embossed with the picture and information about the dead person, food packs and booze, booze, booze. I am told that this is a dignified way of parting with our loved ones. I agree but I also believe there is something called “common sense dignity”.
An African-American professor who plans to resettle in Ghana tells me of the many reasons she has for wanting to enjoy her retirement in the beloved land; she is hoping that when she dies she will be buried with dignity as we do in Ghana. The fact that we could not agree on the definition of dignity shows how subjective it is depending on who does the defining.
Interestingly these elaborate funerals are not limited to the borders of Ghana but have found their way into the United States. It is gradually becoming an unwritten code that when a close family member dies in Ghana and after the funeral is held, close relatives here in the United States have to organize the dollar version. The reason for such duplication is not far fetched. Sometimes these dollar funerals are held ahead of the one in Ghana and any monetary donations raised are then used to organize a ‘mammoth’ funeral in Ghana. Other times too Ghana goes first and the dollar version follows to help defray any costs incurred.
I attended one such funeral in one of the states not because I knew the deceased or other family members but as is the practice, such events are socialization opportunities for the Ghanaian community. It was a good occasion to see what the latest cloth brands and styles in Ghana were as the ladies showed up to conduct a silent ‘who is who’ competition.
For the men such gatherings are also the places to showcase how progressive one is in life. Cars bought (on credit?) are paraded and it is amusing to see the confidence with which such proud owners step out of their cars and take carefully calculated steps with their heels barely touching the soil that has been so good to their ego. This is spiced up with the equally proud-looking facial expressions that can only cause a ‘kwatrikwa’ to immediately embark on a journey to look for which family member has spiritually capped him in a bottle and is impeding his success and taste for all the good things in life.
The dollar chiefs were in full attendance with their retinue. Carrying an air of the proud chieftaincy culture, they walked into the funeral grounds welcomed by appellations and wide applause. For them these occasions may be the only opportunity to salvage their otherwise “deglorified” social status, thanks to the search for the dollar. What else is to be expected when a chief and his subordinates have to clean or work as security guards to make some money? Getting to be called Nana is reassuring for the chief because at least in his house he is a still a Mensah.
After all the introductory rites were done, the booze started flowing and with the accompanying music the fully-imported funeral reached a climax and at this point I realized the possibility of importing Ghana to America.
As I have already indicated, dollar funerals for some people may be a perfect definition of what they see as a dignified send-off for a loved one and I do not bear any grudges. What I have a problem with though is the slow but steady institutionalization of such a practice within the Ghanaian communities in the United States.
It is as though one funeral celebration is no longer enough for the dead.
Gradually it is becoming the norm that anyone who buries a family member in Ghana is expected to come and playback the event here. Meanwhile, it is not everyone who is fortunate enough to inspire people to willingly give off a percentage of their accumulated hourly pay. They end up running into more debts and top it up with increased stress levels of how to settle down financially and move on with their lives.
For now Ghanaian communities appear to enjoy the imported dollar funerals and just as the never-ending debate of made-in-Ghana funerals continue, I am sure this practice will continue for as long as I am not privileged enough to take decisions for people as to what to do with their hard-earned dollar.
I remember attending a funeral some years ago. Then, and I suppose is still the practice, everything was custom-made; from cloth, bottled water embossed with the picture and information about the dead person, food packs and booze, booze, booze. I am told that this is a dignified way of parting with our loved ones. I agree but I also believe there is something called “common sense dignity”.
An African-American professor who plans to resettle in Ghana tells me of the many reasons she has for wanting to enjoy her retirement in the beloved land; she is hoping that when she dies she will be buried with dignity as we do in Ghana. The fact that we could not agree on the definition of dignity shows how subjective it is depending on who does the defining.
Interestingly these elaborate funerals are not limited to the borders of Ghana but have found their way into the United States. It is gradually becoming an unwritten code that when a close family member dies in Ghana and after the funeral is held, close relatives here in the United States have to organize the dollar version. The reason for such duplication is not far fetched. Sometimes these dollar funerals are held ahead of the one in Ghana and any monetary donations raised are then used to organize a ‘mammoth’ funeral in Ghana. Other times too Ghana goes first and the dollar version follows to help defray any costs incurred.
I attended one such funeral in one of the states not because I knew the deceased or other family members but as is the practice, such events are socialization opportunities for the Ghanaian community. It was a good occasion to see what the latest cloth brands and styles in Ghana were as the ladies showed up to conduct a silent ‘who is who’ competition.
For the men such gatherings are also the places to showcase how progressive one is in life. Cars bought (on credit?) are paraded and it is amusing to see the confidence with which such proud owners step out of their cars and take carefully calculated steps with their heels barely touching the soil that has been so good to their ego. This is spiced up with the equally proud-looking facial expressions that can only cause a ‘kwatrikwa’ to immediately embark on a journey to look for which family member has spiritually capped him in a bottle and is impeding his success and taste for all the good things in life.
The dollar chiefs were in full attendance with their retinue. Carrying an air of the proud chieftaincy culture, they walked into the funeral grounds welcomed by appellations and wide applause. For them these occasions may be the only opportunity to salvage their otherwise “deglorified” social status, thanks to the search for the dollar. What else is to be expected when a chief and his subordinates have to clean or work as security guards to make some money? Getting to be called Nana is reassuring for the chief because at least in his house he is a still a Mensah.
After all the introductory rites were done, the booze started flowing and with the accompanying music the fully-imported funeral reached a climax and at this point I realized the possibility of importing Ghana to America.
As I have already indicated, dollar funerals for some people may be a perfect definition of what they see as a dignified send-off for a loved one and I do not bear any grudges. What I have a problem with though is the slow but steady institutionalization of such a practice within the Ghanaian communities in the United States.
It is as though one funeral celebration is no longer enough for the dead.
Gradually it is becoming the norm that anyone who buries a family member in Ghana is expected to come and playback the event here. Meanwhile, it is not everyone who is fortunate enough to inspire people to willingly give off a percentage of their accumulated hourly pay. They end up running into more debts and top it up with increased stress levels of how to settle down financially and move on with their lives.
For now Ghanaian communities appear to enjoy the imported dollar funerals and just as the never-ending debate of made-in-Ghana funerals continue, I am sure this practice will continue for as long as I am not privileged enough to take decisions for people as to what to do with their hard-earned dollar.
America’s drying pastures
For many Ghanaians, leaving the motherland for Europe or the United States is an opportunity to experience, in reality, what has been a dream for many years. Starting the process from the respective embassies and consulates in Accra, long queues of able-bodied young men and women fight it out to get an appointment for visa interviews.
After defying all odds and contending with the scorching sun, people finally heave a sigh of relief when the opportunity to face an interview beckons. As though the embassy premises is ‘abrokyire’ itself, all the stress lines of surviving the first round of the struggle disappears from the faces of prospective pasture seekers. Then it appears again when it is time to face the man or woman who is paid to stay in a cage all day asking questions and helping to make some money for the embassy by reciting a line and passing back your passport to announce that you are enroute to becoming a veteran visa applicant.
For successful applicants the next step is booking a flight, saying adieus, and having an entourage of family members traveling with you to the final departure point at the Kotoka International Airport where they celebrate the next family benefactor at one of the drinking joints or restaurants at the airport, wining and dining. Expecting to have a lifetime experience of Jerusalem the Golden, promises are made to family members and loved ones of phone calls and mobile phones and other gifts.
It does not take long for America to welcome such Johnnie Just Comes (JJCs) to the real world of . Suddenly, finding five dollars to buy a calling card is like pulling the hair from your nostrils. Now man must work to survive so the job search starts.
That is when one gets a feel of the greener pastures gone dry. I was scandalized when in my job search I realized that the certificates I had which saw me in my somehow cozy newspaper office back home was nothing after all. I ended up with a job that saw me standing on my feet for eight hours on some days and dishing out soda (Coke, Pepsi, and Sprite), sandwiches and smoothies to students, some of whom were so disrespectful. Others are on their feet for as worse as 12 or 13 hours a day. I only relished my teaching days at Akyem Ntronang in the Eastern Region where I had full permission to dole out some spanking to the disrespectful buyers whose purchases paid my daily wage.
The dreams of any job prospects are further lost in the US unemployment statistics. According to the Associated Press, the US has since December 2007 lost 3.7 million jobs with most of it lost in three months. My home state of Michigan has been badly hit with lots of job cuts in the auto industry.
Last month alone, the Labour office disclosed that nearly 600,000 jobs were lost, pushing the unemployment rate to7.6 per cent, the highest in 16 years. It is expected to rise up to nine per cent in the next six months. This is not good news, especially for all the people out there seeking to come and eke out a living and better their lives.
Also, according to an economic review by the Regional Economics Applications Laboratory at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, next door state of Illinois could lose 147,200 jobs this year. This is after it lost some 100,700 jobs last year.
Now back to my main story. Sadly, after many years of merely surviving on a few bucks a month, after paying all the bills and helping out at home, those who return home for visits come back and lament how much time they have lost staying out here. They see their colleagues who stayed back either for personal reasons or due to the lack of resources to travel abroad, and they feel that the years of pasture seeking have been nothing but a total waste and retrogression. The few who are able to make some decent money are also saddled with so many family problems to take care of that they are sometimes left with no option than to completely cut off any ties so they can have some peace.
There are so many people who wish they could go back to Ghana and rather sweat it out there but cannot even find the means to purchase air tickets to get back home. I am sure one of these days if the government for some reason got super generous and decided to charter a flight that will fly people back home for free, it will be the best thing that ever happened to some people here.
These notwithstanding, many people back in Ghana tell me how willing they are to come to the United States and make a living here at any cost and this makes me feel so “anti-progress” for dying to come home after my studies. The truth, however, is that there is no better teacher than experience itself. Going through an experience in life has its own way of teaching you what you never wanted to learn even for free; So, to all those seeking to come to the US for pastures, I can only say that come if you want but remember to have a two-way ticket, that may come in handy. Then remember that even Americans, living in their own country and paying taxes cannot even find jobs so you must be an extraordinary or rare talent to take the few job opportunities that sprout up from time to time.
Even as I write this I am sure some people reading will still find themselves battling it out at the embassy tomorrow bent on coming to America. Good luck and I hope you get the visa; very soon you will appreciate why your uncle no longer answers his phone.
America here we come!
Why Africa beats America
“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
America is a land of opportunities and yes, so many opportunities. It is also the land where people kill themselves for sometimes what may be perceived as “no justifiable reason”.
Suicide cases are on the increase and every week there are reports of people who have committed suicide. In the past few days alone two particularly sad cases of family murder-suicides have been in the news. Although we tend to label them murder-suicides because someone killed others and killed himself, the basic truth is that people decide to end their lives and those of their loved ones to escape hardship.
First a family of seven was found dead in their Los Angeles home. A message faxed to a TV station by the father Elvin Antonio Lupoe, narrated how he had run into such financial difficulty and could find help coming from nowhere so he decided to end it all. With one shot after the other he ended the lives of seven beautiful people including his own. A day after that report came another family murder-suicide story from Ohio where a family of four was found, including two children, dead with gunshot wounds in what is also believed to be a family suicide case.
The reasons for all these cases are not far fetched. This country has all the professional help in counseling for people but what is non existent is the family support system. In my work with students which involves some advising it is evident that the lack of family support is one thing that drives people to take such extreme actions.
This is one country in which people decide to throw tons of food away although a needy shelter may be just across the street. That is no fault of theirs because they also do not want to be dragged to courts for giving food that caused a stomach upset. It is in this same country where California passed a law in December allowing Good Samaritans to be sued. Now if you set out to offer a helping hand you have to think twice because those same actions could end up being more costly that you bargained for, in America.
In the absence of societal protection and support the most sensible and logical place to seek help will be the family. Unfortunately the system here is incredibly difficult to understand. One only needs to offer a listening ear and you will be amazed at what people are willing to share. Sometimes it gets to a point where you cannot help it but begin to question why people are born to families.
As for the church in America, the least said about it the better. My own experience has shown that you go to church knowing that it is a decision you take based on your belief in God and not because of any expectations of the pastor at the pulpit or members of the congregation. You only need to be faced with a problem to appreciate what the church means in this country.
It is for reasons as these that it breaks my heart when I see some people, in the name of education or religion, cutting themselves off the family system that our country is so blessed with and trying to live all by themselves.
I do not pretend ignorance of situations where some people may have had real and heart-breaking experiences with their families but one still needs the support of people whether they are friends or work colleagues or church members. That is the context of family relationships that I advocate – a society where I offer you my shoulder and you offer me yours.
America has many good things but I can bet my last pesewa that our family system and communal relationship is one thing that this country would give anything to have if it had the opportunity. People stay in the same room with others and yet a roommate dies for weeks and no one knows about it until something comes up. Families have children who do not come home and nobody cares what is happening to them. People live in neighbourhoods and do not even know what the person living next door looks like. People are heart-broken and need someone who would just listen to them and yet they cannot even find a listening ear in their congregations.
I remember how once I came across a lady in one of our restrooms who had been crying and crying. People came in and left and nobody asked her a question. I saw her and was not sure what to do so I left but decided to go back. I did and still found her crying her eyes out so I went to the sink near her and turned on the tap pretending to be washing my hands. Then I asked her if I could help her. I was not sure how she was going to respond but I could not be bothered especially with my experience of having to face it all alone occasionally as an international student. She looked at me and broke down. Eventually we talked and she was happy that I spent time with her.
The interesting twist though is that now she sees me and walks past me as though nothing ever happened. That is America, it does not bother me that she does not ‘know’ me but I am happy that I could help when someone needed my help. At least I was spared any ‘court action’ for possible interference.
Ghana and Africa is blessed and our families are our best assets - families that we are born into, our adopted families, families that we make at church, at work, at school and in our communities. These are valuable support systems that money cannot buy but are the places to find ready help when the need arises. Money is not everything and the earlier we make a decision in our individual lives to hold on to and build our respective family systems the better it will be for us in life.
“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt
America is a land of opportunities and yes, so many opportunities. It is also the land where people kill themselves for sometimes what may be perceived as “no justifiable reason”.
Suicide cases are on the increase and every week there are reports of people who have committed suicide. In the past few days alone two particularly sad cases of family murder-suicides have been in the news. Although we tend to label them murder-suicides because someone killed others and killed himself, the basic truth is that people decide to end their lives and those of their loved ones to escape hardship.
First a family of seven was found dead in their Los Angeles home. A message faxed to a TV station by the father Elvin Antonio Lupoe, narrated how he had run into such financial difficulty and could find help coming from nowhere so he decided to end it all. With one shot after the other he ended the lives of seven beautiful people including his own. A day after that report came another family murder-suicide story from Ohio where a family of four was found, including two children, dead with gunshot wounds in what is also believed to be a family suicide case.
The reasons for all these cases are not far fetched. This country has all the professional help in counseling for people but what is non existent is the family support system. In my work with students which involves some advising it is evident that the lack of family support is one thing that drives people to take such extreme actions.
This is one country in which people decide to throw tons of food away although a needy shelter may be just across the street. That is no fault of theirs because they also do not want to be dragged to courts for giving food that caused a stomach upset. It is in this same country where California passed a law in December allowing Good Samaritans to be sued. Now if you set out to offer a helping hand you have to think twice because those same actions could end up being more costly that you bargained for, in America.
In the absence of societal protection and support the most sensible and logical place to seek help will be the family. Unfortunately the system here is incredibly difficult to understand. One only needs to offer a listening ear and you will be amazed at what people are willing to share. Sometimes it gets to a point where you cannot help it but begin to question why people are born to families.
As for the church in America, the least said about it the better. My own experience has shown that you go to church knowing that it is a decision you take based on your belief in God and not because of any expectations of the pastor at the pulpit or members of the congregation. You only need to be faced with a problem to appreciate what the church means in this country.
It is for reasons as these that it breaks my heart when I see some people, in the name of education or religion, cutting themselves off the family system that our country is so blessed with and trying to live all by themselves.
I do not pretend ignorance of situations where some people may have had real and heart-breaking experiences with their families but one still needs the support of people whether they are friends or work colleagues or church members. That is the context of family relationships that I advocate – a society where I offer you my shoulder and you offer me yours.
America has many good things but I can bet my last pesewa that our family system and communal relationship is one thing that this country would give anything to have if it had the opportunity. People stay in the same room with others and yet a roommate dies for weeks and no one knows about it until something comes up. Families have children who do not come home and nobody cares what is happening to them. People live in neighbourhoods and do not even know what the person living next door looks like. People are heart-broken and need someone who would just listen to them and yet they cannot even find a listening ear in their congregations.
I remember how once I came across a lady in one of our restrooms who had been crying and crying. People came in and left and nobody asked her a question. I saw her and was not sure what to do so I left but decided to go back. I did and still found her crying her eyes out so I went to the sink near her and turned on the tap pretending to be washing my hands. Then I asked her if I could help her. I was not sure how she was going to respond but I could not be bothered especially with my experience of having to face it all alone occasionally as an international student. She looked at me and broke down. Eventually we talked and she was happy that I spent time with her.
The interesting twist though is that now she sees me and walks past me as though nothing ever happened. That is America, it does not bother me that she does not ‘know’ me but I am happy that I could help when someone needed my help. At least I was spared any ‘court action’ for possible interference.
Ghana and Africa is blessed and our families are our best assets - families that we are born into, our adopted families, families that we make at church, at work, at school and in our communities. These are valuable support systems that money cannot buy but are the places to find ready help when the need arises. Money is not everything and the earlier we make a decision in our individual lives to hold on to and build our respective family systems the better it will be for us in life.
“Other things may change us, but we start and end with family”- Anthony Brandt
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